I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
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My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
This guy gets it.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.