Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
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People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.