Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
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How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
had to make it
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.