Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
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Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear