I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
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There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Best spot.. 😅
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?