Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
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Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?