Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
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My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Wednesday
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.