You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
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I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??