I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
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Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.