Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
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Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
i was baptized in a car wash
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.