My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
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4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?