Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
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11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.