If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
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When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.