me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
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I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.