What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
You Might Also Like
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*