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If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
This probably isn’t good
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.