Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
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Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah