so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
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ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself