I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
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Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
constantly working on myself.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question