There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
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What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.