Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
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I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.