I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
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I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on