Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler