A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
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“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
technically true but not a great slogan
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Crying is a sign of leakness.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit