Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
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Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
The pasta is now
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
The answer is funnier than the question
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
why no one uses midhusbands
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
crazy
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring