I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
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I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now