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Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
This will never not be funny to me.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.