Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
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[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
These 3D printers are insane!
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.