You Might Also Like
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
who will stop them
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
crochet youtube is brutal
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.