Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
You Might Also Like
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that