Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
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Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
“HELP WITH CAT”
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?