Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
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If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I had to Stop for this
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Happy Caturday!
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”