To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
You Might Also Like
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
what it’s like dating me:
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.