Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
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My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
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I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.