If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
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DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.