A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
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*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Poetry is my passion
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed