I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
You Might Also Like
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild