You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
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“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
What an awful time to have common sense.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I hope this email punches you square in the face
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.