*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
You Might Also Like
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.