That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
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Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”