Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
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Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.