“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
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I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
BRAKING NEWS!!