I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
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lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
next level snooze
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night