Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
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Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
selfie game
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy