Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
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[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
this isn’t threatening at all
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
j o i m p
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”