ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
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Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Monday?
No. Next question.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.