oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
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Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Bloody internet 😳
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Brilliant!
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count