Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
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I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.