Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
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I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.