Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
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Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
New menu item
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.